Sometimes it is difficult to express certain feelings to your beloved, especially when it triggers deep fears or pain inside us. When this happens, we often react with blame towards our beloved, trying to avoid feeling what is really there.
This kind of fear and pain is usually well buried inside of us and we are usually not conscious about them. That is why it is not easy to recognize them. When they arise, all we want is to avoid feeling them. When we become aware of the hidden fear or pain, it is amazing to see all the strategies that we are undertaking to avoid feeling them. Like blaming our beloved for the things we don’t like to feel, thinking that if he or she changes, it will make us feel better. Basically, what we are doing is stepping into our victim mode, giving away the responsibility of what we feel and pointing out all the things that should be different and that unfortunately, we can’t control.
We are trying to change our uncomfortable experiences by changing what our beloved does or says, thinking that if he or she changes, that it is going to change our experience. It’s like saying: “please change how you act, to make me less likely to blame you. If you can make it more difficult for me to blame you, I would hate you less…”
This kind of reaction really shows the level of fear that is behind such behavior, and most of us don’t realize how much fear we carry inside us. When we hide behind layers of protection to avoid feeling the pain, we close our heart, to ourselves and to our beloved and we prevent more love, more joy, and more trust to come into our lives and into our relationships.
It really takes a lot of courage to show our vulnerability instead of blaming others. For me, even being familiar with the mechanisms of protection, doesn’t always prevent me to react with blame toward my beloved. But for sure, when it happens it doesn’t take a long time anymore before I can allow myself to really feel what is going on and share about it from a vulnerable place. Showing her more of who I really am and allowing her to come closer to me, in very intimate parts of my inner being that nobody has entered before, sometimes not even myself.
Here is a good map for all lovers: as long as you want to affect or change the other person in any way, you are in protection, not invulnerability. In protection mode, it might feel safer at the moment, but we are actually blocking the love currently. Not only with your beloved, but also with yourself and with the universe.
I am fascinated by the profound healing and expansion of consciousness that can happen in love relationships, as long as we are willing to look into ourselves, face our deepest fears, and be vulnerable in front of our beloved.